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lliiraTrigger Warning: sexual harassment, bullying
"The next day was better... and worse." (29)
Not exactly "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Anyway, Bella is slightly less miserable because it's not raining and she's starting to get her bearings.
Bella is more miserable because the wind kept her awake, she gave a wrong answer in math class, she had to play volleyball...
I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn't cringe out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it. (39)
Lovely. Bella's the type of girl who's deathly afraid of any physical activity. I've never actually seen this type of girl except in movies and on TV. Of course, we're supposed to think it's justified because Bella is so dangerously clumsy (count: 3), but I think the reason she's dangerously clumsy is that she's terrified, not the other way around. I'm clumsy. I sprained my ankle when I tried to kick a soccer ball in gym, missed it, and landed on my ass. I walk into doors. I fall down stairs. I am the clumsiest person I've ever met. My whole life, I've had various bruises on my body from running into things I don't remember running into, because I'm always running into things. But I never feared sports. And I was okay at volleyball.
I think if Bella acknowledged she could be competent at something, she might have to face the frightening fact that she is not a useless person. Then she might have to start expecting things of herself.
But here's the best part of why Bella thinks today is worse than yesterday:
Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.
Now Bella has to shoulder the job of hating herself all alone, without anyone else hating her too!
Actually, that's not it. Bella is in a state of nervous tension all day, waiting for Edward to show up and start hating her again. She's imagined things to say to him, but "knows" she wouldn't have the courage to confront him. I think if she thought she had courage, she'd have to do something, and it might not work. Worse, it might work, and then she'd have to keep doing things, and face the possibility of failure over and over, and best not to try, really.
Bella is relieved that Edward doesn't show up to biology. She worries that maybe he skipped school to avoid her. So even though he's not there, she can't stop obsessing about him.
I recognize this. A former friend sexually harassed me for three years in high school, 10th through 12th grade. Most days, he didn't say anything to me. Occasionally, he'd even be nice. (Until I stopped hoping he'd change and told him I hated him and he was never to speak to me again.) But I never knew when I'd be passed an obscene note from him, when he'd say something disgusting to me, when he'd spread rumors about me in my hearing. You know how random rewards cause people to start obsessing over the thing that gets them the reward? Well, random punishments work the same way.
Mike obviously likes Bella, and she thinks that she'll have to do something about this "and it wouldn't be easy." (31) She scornfully compares him to a golden retriever. When the bell rings for class:
he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. (31)
Bella, you snotty little jerk. This interlude with Mike shows Bella's superiority complex. "Well of course Mike likes me, the silly annoying puppy -- look what else he has to choose from! Braces and a bad perm, how pathetic and useless and unlovable. And I will have to be very delicate with his feelings, because he would not be able to take rejection -- after all, if he can't have me, he'll be stuck with braces and bad perm girl! God, I am so much better than anyone else here. Except the Cullens. They're the only ones who are prettier and whiter than me, so they're the only ones who are better than me. And I'm worthless, so all these other people are worse than worthless. Except the Cullens."
Bella goes home and starts dinner. Charlie, of course, can't cook anything but eggs and bacon. I wonder how he cooks eggs. There are lots of different things you can do with eggs, after all. I'm a pretty good cook, but I can't cook eggs sunny side up. Anyway, Bella will cook for both of them from now on, and Charlie's fine with that.
He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet hall.
Bella, please stop snarking. Just for a little. Please. The "no one was going to bite me" line was funny, but now you're embarrassing yourself.
There's also no food in the house, of course, so Bella is going to go shopping. She's been thinking about this while in the school parking lot, and she sees four of the Cullens getting into a "shiny new Volvo" (32) that Bella had previously noted was the fanciest car at the school. She spends four sentences describing the fact that they're wearing designer clothes. I don't know how she can tell that while they're getting into a car. Then she thinks this:
The isolation must be their desire; I couldn't imagine any door that wouldn't be opened by that degree of beauty. (32, emphasis mine)
That's our Bella.
"The next day was better... and worse." (29)
Not exactly "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Anyway, Bella is slightly less miserable because it's not raining and she's starting to get her bearings.
Bella is more miserable because the wind kept her awake, she gave a wrong answer in math class, she had to play volleyball...
I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn't cringe out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it. (39)
Lovely. Bella's the type of girl who's deathly afraid of any physical activity. I've never actually seen this type of girl except in movies and on TV. Of course, we're supposed to think it's justified because Bella is so dangerously clumsy (count: 3), but I think the reason she's dangerously clumsy is that she's terrified, not the other way around. I'm clumsy. I sprained my ankle when I tried to kick a soccer ball in gym, missed it, and landed on my ass. I walk into doors. I fall down stairs. I am the clumsiest person I've ever met. My whole life, I've had various bruises on my body from running into things I don't remember running into, because I'm always running into things. But I never feared sports. And I was okay at volleyball.
I think if Bella acknowledged she could be competent at something, she might have to face the frightening fact that she is not a useless person. Then she might have to start expecting things of herself.
But here's the best part of why Bella thinks today is worse than yesterday:
Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.
Now Bella has to shoulder the job of hating herself all alone, without anyone else hating her too!
Actually, that's not it. Bella is in a state of nervous tension all day, waiting for Edward to show up and start hating her again. She's imagined things to say to him, but "knows" she wouldn't have the courage to confront him. I think if she thought she had courage, she'd have to do something, and it might not work. Worse, it might work, and then she'd have to keep doing things, and face the possibility of failure over and over, and best not to try, really.
Bella is relieved that Edward doesn't show up to biology. She worries that maybe he skipped school to avoid her. So even though he's not there, she can't stop obsessing about him.
I recognize this. A former friend sexually harassed me for three years in high school, 10th through 12th grade. Most days, he didn't say anything to me. Occasionally, he'd even be nice. (Until I stopped hoping he'd change and told him I hated him and he was never to speak to me again.) But I never knew when I'd be passed an obscene note from him, when he'd say something disgusting to me, when he'd spread rumors about me in my hearing. You know how random rewards cause people to start obsessing over the thing that gets them the reward? Well, random punishments work the same way.
Mike obviously likes Bella, and she thinks that she'll have to do something about this "and it wouldn't be easy." (31) She scornfully compares him to a golden retriever. When the bell rings for class:
he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. (31)
Bella, you snotty little jerk. This interlude with Mike shows Bella's superiority complex. "Well of course Mike likes me, the silly annoying puppy -- look what else he has to choose from! Braces and a bad perm, how pathetic and useless and unlovable. And I will have to be very delicate with his feelings, because he would not be able to take rejection -- after all, if he can't have me, he'll be stuck with braces and bad perm girl! God, I am so much better than anyone else here. Except the Cullens. They're the only ones who are prettier and whiter than me, so they're the only ones who are better than me. And I'm worthless, so all these other people are worse than worthless. Except the Cullens."
Bella goes home and starts dinner. Charlie, of course, can't cook anything but eggs and bacon. I wonder how he cooks eggs. There are lots of different things you can do with eggs, after all. I'm a pretty good cook, but I can't cook eggs sunny side up. Anyway, Bella will cook for both of them from now on, and Charlie's fine with that.
He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet hall.
Bella, please stop snarking. Just for a little. Please. The "no one was going to bite me" line was funny, but now you're embarrassing yourself.
There's also no food in the house, of course, so Bella is going to go shopping. She's been thinking about this while in the school parking lot, and she sees four of the Cullens getting into a "shiny new Volvo" (32) that Bella had previously noted was the fanciest car at the school. She spends four sentences describing the fact that they're wearing designer clothes. I don't know how she can tell that while they're getting into a car. Then she thinks this:
The isolation must be their desire; I couldn't imagine any door that wouldn't be opened by that degree of beauty. (32, emphasis mine)
That's our Bella.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-14 07:49 pm (UTC)It's so telling that Meyer used "braces and a bad perm" as shorthand - telling that she doesn't know anything about youth culture past the 80s, I mean. Braces are so common now, nearly everyone gets them, and nobody in high school gets perms.
no subject
Date: 2012-04-15 04:10 am (UTC)Meyer seems trapped in her own adolescence (and I can't believe I'm only three years younger than her). But she doesn't seem to know how high schools actually work. According to Wikipedia, she attended a public high school, but it sure doesn't seem that way from her writing.