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lliiraContent: Self-hatred, lying, authorial misconduct, hatred of teenage girls, romantic fantasy
Bella informs us that she is out of it from Edward asking her on a date. I give you one guess as to what the English teacher inevitably says to Bella being late on page 85. I'm not going to bother typing it.
Mike isn't sitting next to Bella and she feels guilty about that. ?! "But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn't totally unforgiven." ??!! For... turning Mike down for the dance? She feels guilt about this and thinks she needs forgiveness?
I'm a bit at sea about how to read this. We haven't been given enough information about how Bella feels to know whether there's the slightest reason for her to feel guilty or not. Now, obviously no matter how much you've been flirting with someone, you have absolutely no obligation to go out with them or do anything with them you don't want to do. Still, it's not nice to lead someone on. We have been given a few clues that Bella does like Mike: she spends a lot of time with him, she doesn't insult him in her head as often as she does other people, she thinks he's cute. However, she's also told us that Mike's attention is unwanted. She hasn't told or even hinted to Mike that it's unwanted, though. And here's the deal with Bella: she's a liar.
Whether Bella is a liar because Stephenie Meyer can't keep up continuity for two sentences, or whether she's intended to be a liar, or whether she's intended to be such a confused person that she does not know what the truth is, the result is the same. We have no reason to trust anything Bella says about what she feels or thinks. Maybe she feels legitimately guilty for leading Mike on. Maybe she's feeling girl guilt for not doing what a boy wants. Maybe she's pretending to the audience that she's feeling guilty because she thinks that makes her look nicer. My personal feeling is that Meyer is having Bella feel guilty because Meyer thinks that makes Bella look nicer, but I'm unable to immerse myself in this book enough to imagine the characters having wills of their own.
There's some stuff about how the weather in Forks is so awful.
Back to Bella being dazed because she was asked out by a boy she likes. I get this, when put in general terms. What I don't get is the way Bella is dazed. She isn't happy. She isn't giggly. She isn't feverishly writing a note to a girlfriend, she isn't going over every single thing Edward said over and over, she isn't wondering what she'll wear or how she'll act, she isn't daydreaming about making out or more. Instead, she literally starts to disbelieve that it happened.
"Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I appealed to him on any level" (86).
I have a confession about one of my favorite fantasies. I love when two people finally, FINALLY come together, and keep saying, "I can't believe this is real. I've imagined this so many times. Am I dreaming?" And then they have hot sex to prove they aren't dreaming. Multiple times. And sometimes they do the same thing again even when they've been together for years.
But this... this is gross. It's like reading about someone rolling around with her lover on a hill of wildflowers onto a hill of fire ants. Covered in dog poop. And we're supposed to think it's sexy. That's what seeing this perversion of the "am I dreaming?" fantasy feels like to me.
Here's why this is gross, rather than hot: "That seemed more probable than that I appealed to him on any level." A bit of amazement when the one you want turns out to want you is absolutely normal. That's not what we have here. Bella has actually very nearly convinced herself that Edward asking her out was a dream, even though it just happened. She thinks he is perfect, and she is terrible, so there is no way he could possibly be interested in her.
One cliché that is true is that you can't love someone else unless you love yourself. You don't have to think you're the greatest thing since Nutella, you can have moments or weeks of self-loathing, you can think your beloved is a better person than you are. But unless, overall, you realize that you have worth, and can forgive yourself for being human, and that therefore it's possible for someone to love you, you can't love someone else. I don't know all of why this is, but I know it is, because I've been on either side. I look back now and realize that the three guys I dated who said it to me were more seriously interested in me than I thought they were, especially the last one -- but I couldn't see that because I didn't see how anyone could love me, because I loathed me. So I couldn't meet them halfway.
Also, the times when I hate myself now are the times when I make the worst partner. If Beroli felt like it, he could track the way I treat him on some kind of graph, and know that the highest points of my jackassery were the lowest points of my self-esteem. I know I could do the same thing with him.
You can have a love story in which both sides hate themselves in the beginning, but it doesn't work if they either hate themselves as much as Bella does, or if they don't come to love and respect themselves as the story progresses. You can do a thing where they realize that if someone as awesome as their beloved loves them, then they must have worth, and so now they're able to love. That can actually happen in real life, though it's not something to count on, and it's a fine fantasy, one that's believable and that can resonate when done well.
I don't see how that can work here, though, if Meyer tries it. Meyer has dug Bella's pit too deep; Bella hates herself too much. Romantic love alone cannot save her -- she can't be in a romantic relationship. Any pseudo-romantic relationship she's in will necessarily be a horribly unhealthy disaster. This is a girl who hates herself to the extent that she has delusions to prop up her self-hatred. Self-hatred is the core of who she is. Only if she becomes an entirely different person will she be able to love.
But I can't bring myself to feel bad for Bella, because she hates everyone else too, and oh cats is she obnoxious about it. She dismisses Jessica's excitement about the dance as "Jessica babbled" and "the still-babbling Jessica" in subsequent paragraphs on page 86. Blech.
Now, Bella has been asked out by the gorgeous guy she's been obsessed with for what feels like geological ages. What's she feel like doing?
What Bella always does, of course.
I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.
Because the hot guy whom she has been obsessing over and who asked her out today hasn't showed up in the lunchroom.
Stephenie Meyer really hates teenage girls, doesn't she?
Bella informs us that she is out of it from Edward asking her on a date. I give you one guess as to what the English teacher inevitably says to Bella being late on page 85. I'm not going to bother typing it.
Mike isn't sitting next to Bella and she feels guilty about that. ?! "But he and Eric both met me at the door as usual, so I figured I wasn't totally unforgiven." ??!! For... turning Mike down for the dance? She feels guilt about this and thinks she needs forgiveness?
I'm a bit at sea about how to read this. We haven't been given enough information about how Bella feels to know whether there's the slightest reason for her to feel guilty or not. Now, obviously no matter how much you've been flirting with someone, you have absolutely no obligation to go out with them or do anything with them you don't want to do. Still, it's not nice to lead someone on. We have been given a few clues that Bella does like Mike: she spends a lot of time with him, she doesn't insult him in her head as often as she does other people, she thinks he's cute. However, she's also told us that Mike's attention is unwanted. She hasn't told or even hinted to Mike that it's unwanted, though. And here's the deal with Bella: she's a liar.
Whether Bella is a liar because Stephenie Meyer can't keep up continuity for two sentences, or whether she's intended to be a liar, or whether she's intended to be such a confused person that she does not know what the truth is, the result is the same. We have no reason to trust anything Bella says about what she feels or thinks. Maybe she feels legitimately guilty for leading Mike on. Maybe she's feeling girl guilt for not doing what a boy wants. Maybe she's pretending to the audience that she's feeling guilty because she thinks that makes her look nicer. My personal feeling is that Meyer is having Bella feel guilty because Meyer thinks that makes Bella look nicer, but I'm unable to immerse myself in this book enough to imagine the characters having wills of their own.
There's some stuff about how the weather in Forks is so awful.
Back to Bella being dazed because she was asked out by a boy she likes. I get this, when put in general terms. What I don't get is the way Bella is dazed. She isn't happy. She isn't giggly. She isn't feverishly writing a note to a girlfriend, she isn't going over every single thing Edward said over and over, she isn't wondering what she'll wear or how she'll act, she isn't daydreaming about making out or more. Instead, she literally starts to disbelieve that it happened.
"Maybe it was just a very convincing dream that I'd confused with reality. That seemed more probable than that I appealed to him on any level" (86).
I have a confession about one of my favorite fantasies. I love when two people finally, FINALLY come together, and keep saying, "I can't believe this is real. I've imagined this so many times. Am I dreaming?" And then they have hot sex to prove they aren't dreaming. Multiple times. And sometimes they do the same thing again even when they've been together for years.
But this... this is gross. It's like reading about someone rolling around with her lover on a hill of wildflowers onto a hill of fire ants. Covered in dog poop. And we're supposed to think it's sexy. That's what seeing this perversion of the "am I dreaming?" fantasy feels like to me.
Here's why this is gross, rather than hot: "That seemed more probable than that I appealed to him on any level." A bit of amazement when the one you want turns out to want you is absolutely normal. That's not what we have here. Bella has actually very nearly convinced herself that Edward asking her out was a dream, even though it just happened. She thinks he is perfect, and she is terrible, so there is no way he could possibly be interested in her.
One cliché that is true is that you can't love someone else unless you love yourself. You don't have to think you're the greatest thing since Nutella, you can have moments or weeks of self-loathing, you can think your beloved is a better person than you are. But unless, overall, you realize that you have worth, and can forgive yourself for being human, and that therefore it's possible for someone to love you, you can't love someone else. I don't know all of why this is, but I know it is, because I've been on either side. I look back now and realize that the three guys I dated who said it to me were more seriously interested in me than I thought they were, especially the last one -- but I couldn't see that because I didn't see how anyone could love me, because I loathed me. So I couldn't meet them halfway.
Also, the times when I hate myself now are the times when I make the worst partner. If Beroli felt like it, he could track the way I treat him on some kind of graph, and know that the highest points of my jackassery were the lowest points of my self-esteem. I know I could do the same thing with him.
You can have a love story in which both sides hate themselves in the beginning, but it doesn't work if they either hate themselves as much as Bella does, or if they don't come to love and respect themselves as the story progresses. You can do a thing where they realize that if someone as awesome as their beloved loves them, then they must have worth, and so now they're able to love. That can actually happen in real life, though it's not something to count on, and it's a fine fantasy, one that's believable and that can resonate when done well.
I don't see how that can work here, though, if Meyer tries it. Meyer has dug Bella's pit too deep; Bella hates herself too much. Romantic love alone cannot save her -- she can't be in a romantic relationship. Any pseudo-romantic relationship she's in will necessarily be a horribly unhealthy disaster. This is a girl who hates herself to the extent that she has delusions to prop up her self-hatred. Self-hatred is the core of who she is. Only if she becomes an entirely different person will she be able to love.
But I can't bring myself to feel bad for Bella, because she hates everyone else too, and oh cats is she obnoxious about it. She dismisses Jessica's excitement about the dance as "Jessica babbled" and "the still-babbling Jessica" in subsequent paragraphs on page 86. Blech.
Now, Bella has been asked out by the gorgeous guy she's been obsessed with for what feels like geological ages. What's she feel like doing?
What Bella always does, of course.
I just wanted to go sit down and sulk.
Because the hot guy whom she has been obsessing over and who asked her out today hasn't showed up in the lunchroom.
Stephenie Meyer really hates teenage girls, doesn't she?
no subject
Date: 2012-10-17 02:48 pm (UTC)I don't believe that's what Meyer is going for, though. She doesn't seem to perceive anything to fix. Each of her protagonists thinks s/he is dirt and the other one is divine; it's romantic, in Meyer's view.
(I do think Edward's constant put-downs are meant to be okay because he doesn't grasp why anyone would give a fig for the opinion of something as worthless as him, but that really doesn't work with the mind-reading, and I don't believe Meyer would change anything about the way Edward acts toward Bella if he was able to read her mind. It wouldn't occur to her that that should logically follow, because she doesn't understand cause and effect at that level of abstraction.)