Twilight, Chapter One: Bella's Blues
Mar. 8th, 2012 12:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lliiraI've been feeling charitable toward this book all day. The last couple pages gave off Hitchcockian vibes that I believe were intended. If that atmosphere suffuses the rest of the book, I think Meyer will have succeeded. Maybe not at what she set out to do, but at something pretty impressive.
Bella sets off for school to get away from her creepy dad's creepy shrine to her. My hopes that Meyer's writing has permanently ascended to "not headache-inducing" are dashed by this sentence on page 12:
It was just drizzling still, not enough to soak me through immediately as I reached for the house key that was always hidden under the eaves by the door, and locked up.
That sentence gives me whiplash.
Bella's school is "just off the highway." This makes no sense to me. Is the highway the only road in Forks?
It was not obvious that it was a school; only the sign, which declared it to be the Forks High School, made me stop.
Yes, Bella, that's why we have signs for things.
Bella goes in to ask for her schedule. One of the secretaries is wearing a t-shirt, which makes Bella feel overdressed. We haven't been told what Bella's wearing, except a thick jacket. Meyer likes to describe things backwards; she writes that Bella's mom looks like Bella when we don't know what Bella looks like, and now this. I think maybe she's trying to generate suspense, but it's simply annoying.
The secretary gives Bella a map to the school and highlights the best routes for her to take to her classes. Yes, this tiny school of three hundred fifty-eight students prints out maps. And the secretary thinks it's worthwhile to tell new students the "best route" to take to their classrooms. Was Meyer homeschooled?
Maybe it's M.C. Escher High School. The history classroom is tucked into a little corner that doesn't exist in actual space, but it still manages to be the dustiest room in the school. The only flat space is reserved for the gym. The band room never looks the same two days in a row, and instruments have been known to fall up into the lunchroom. The Great Tuba-Pea Incident of 1983 has forever marred the psyches of those who witnessed it.
Back in the book (sigh) Bella walks to her first class -- oh wait. No, she goes back outside, gets back in her truck, and gets in a traffic line. I have to flip back to see why she would do this, and realize she parked in front of one building, and there are multiple buildings for this school which has only three hundred and fifty-eight students. (I tried to find what Forks' high school actually looks like, but ran into a bunch of conflicting information before I stopped caring. I did learn that Forks is the kind of school that suspends students for wearing Sex Pistols t-shirts.)
Bella psyches herself up to go to her first class.
I can do this, I lied to myself feebly.
Grrrgrgrgggrrhhh.
Okay, the reason Bella is making me write like a murloc is this: I understand being frightened and shy and thinking everyone will hate you and remembering all the times you messed up in the past. I understand that teenage girls are particularly prone to this sort of thing. I remember it. But at this point, I feel like Bella is a friend whose only topic of conversation is how horrible her life is and how she doesn't deserve any better and she can't do anything right, and she never talks about anything else, and I just want her to stop sabotaging herself but I know she's not going to, so I tune out. Then she gets all miffed because I didn't argue with her and tell her she is actually awesome.
WALK TO THE CLASSROOM BELLA. IT IS NOT THAT HARD. If she's depressed, as she seems to be, yeah I know, it is that hard. But living inside a depressed person's skull is not an enjoyable or particularly enlightening experience. I was there for years! I don't need to go back there for a vampire romance novel!
Next, Bella says:
No one was going to bite me.
And I laugh but oh Meyer why do you make it so hard for me to like your main character. Why couldn't you make her do something besides complain and snark.
Bella's first teacher of the day actually gawks at her. "People in Forks are yokels" count: 1. But hey, at least they're all really, really white. Seriously. "At least my skin wouldn't be a stand-out here." (15)
On page 16, we meet a new character, Eric. He's an "overly helpful chess-club type." Um, ew. Also, he has a class in building four and he's going to help her find building six. This sounds more like a community college campus than a school with three hundred and fifty-eight students.
Bella tells a joke about how white she is, and Eric doesn't laugh. Then Bella continues to endear herself to all and sundry by thinking, "it looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix." Oh for -- is there anything in the world that you do not loathe and disdain, Bella? Besides your truck, which embarrasses you even though you supposedly like it?
On page 17, Bella goes to trigonometry class, which of course as a good little girl she loathes. She manages to trip over her own books in this class. "Bella is so dangerously clumsy that she is a danger to herself and others" count: 1.
She meets a friendly girl whose name she can't remember and doesn't bother to ask, whose hair is several inches tall. We have someone with a big afro, a bouffant, or a mohawk. Her hair is "wildly curly," so my first impulse is to think "afro." Something like this picture. And I start wishing the story was about her instead.
Friendly Girl takes Bella under her wing in the cafeteria and introduces Bella to all her friends. Bella doesn't bother to try to remember their names. She thinks:
They seemed impressed by her bravery in speaking to me.
I see two alternatives: Bella's monstrous ego will soon suffocate everyone in Forks, or her skin isn't "almost translucent," as she claims: it's actually translucent. Everyone can see all her organs and blood and everything. That's why the teacher gawked at her, too. Forks Yokel count: 2.
I'd start a "Bella is a stuck-up jerk" count, but I have a feeling that facet of the book is as pervasive as her self-loathing and constant embarrassment. Plus I'd have to backtrack. Maybe I will start a "Bella is kind to someone" count instead, if it ever crops up.
Hey, she remembers Eric-the-chess-nerd's name! No one else's, just Eric's. Maybe she will become good friends with him and join the chess club and have adventures and fall in love and have good sex with him for a few months, using many boxes of condoms and getting herself on birth control, and then go to college and live a full and rewarding life, smiling sadly sometimes as she remembers that self-absorbed, self-hating girl she used to be.
I'm sure the icky weirdos she sees for the first time on page 18 will be an obstacle of some kind for Bella to overcome. This group of people is sitting at their table, neither eating nor talking. And two of the boys look too old to be in high school. The third has "bronze-colored hair." They're all gorgeous.
The three girls are also gorgeous. One has a body "that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room." This kind of person obviously does not exist in real life, since every girl on the planet is not constantly comparing herself to one model of beauty that holds true for everyone, feeling herself come up short, and feeling bad because of it. So she must be a supernatural villain. She gives off some kind of Dementor-like rays that only work on other girls, and can only be defeated when the heroine realizes that her appearance does not define her.
These six people are "all exactly alike." Uh-oh. If there's one thing fantasy and science fiction have taught me, it's that a group of people who are all exactly alike are seriously bad mojo. Watch out, Bella! Don't let them assimilate you! Fend them off with the power of grumpiness!
For now, though, Bella is falling under their spell. She doesn't say it in so many words, but it's clear she wants to have a big orgy with these six people (who are all even whiter than her) in the lunchroom, and finds the "bronze-haired" boy and "perfect blond girl" the most attractive. No, Bella, don't let the Aryan Six seduce you! Turn toward the light, toward Friendly Girl and Chess Guy!
Bella thinks that models and dancers walk alike, though, so I don't hold out a lot of hope for her. Plus she asks some random Muggle who the Aryan Six are, so fascinated with the power of their pretty white mojo that she's willing to initiate conversation with this peon.
We get an info dump about the Aryan Six, who masquerade under the name "Cullen." Bella thinks their first names, including Edward and Alice, are weird. At least she finally remembers that Friendly Girl's name is Jessica.
The info dump proceeds, courtesy of Jessica. The six pretty white people are all adopted, and Meyer starts to assassinate Jessica's character.
"I think that Mrs. Cullen can't have any kids, though," she added, as though that lessened their kindness.
Hm. I wonder what the text's own attitude toward this will be.
On page 22, Jessica the Exposition Fairy tells us Edward doesn't date. She thinks it's because no girl in Forks is pretty enough for him. Bella and Edward keep shooting glances at each other and it's really boring.
After lunch, Bella goes to biology class and ends up seated next to Edward. Yep, the boy with the bronze hair with whom she just had quickie eye sex. What a twist!
Bella sets off for school to get away from her creepy dad's creepy shrine to her. My hopes that Meyer's writing has permanently ascended to "not headache-inducing" are dashed by this sentence on page 12:
It was just drizzling still, not enough to soak me through immediately as I reached for the house key that was always hidden under the eaves by the door, and locked up.
That sentence gives me whiplash.
Bella's school is "just off the highway." This makes no sense to me. Is the highway the only road in Forks?
It was not obvious that it was a school; only the sign, which declared it to be the Forks High School, made me stop.
Yes, Bella, that's why we have signs for things.
Bella goes in to ask for her schedule. One of the secretaries is wearing a t-shirt, which makes Bella feel overdressed. We haven't been told what Bella's wearing, except a thick jacket. Meyer likes to describe things backwards; she writes that Bella's mom looks like Bella when we don't know what Bella looks like, and now this. I think maybe she's trying to generate suspense, but it's simply annoying.
The secretary gives Bella a map to the school and highlights the best routes for her to take to her classes. Yes, this tiny school of three hundred fifty-eight students prints out maps. And the secretary thinks it's worthwhile to tell new students the "best route" to take to their classrooms. Was Meyer homeschooled?
Maybe it's M.C. Escher High School. The history classroom is tucked into a little corner that doesn't exist in actual space, but it still manages to be the dustiest room in the school. The only flat space is reserved for the gym. The band room never looks the same two days in a row, and instruments have been known to fall up into the lunchroom. The Great Tuba-Pea Incident of 1983 has forever marred the psyches of those who witnessed it.
Back in the book (sigh) Bella walks to her first class -- oh wait. No, she goes back outside, gets back in her truck, and gets in a traffic line. I have to flip back to see why she would do this, and realize she parked in front of one building, and there are multiple buildings for this school which has only three hundred and fifty-eight students. (I tried to find what Forks' high school actually looks like, but ran into a bunch of conflicting information before I stopped caring. I did learn that Forks is the kind of school that suspends students for wearing Sex Pistols t-shirts.)
Bella psyches herself up to go to her first class.
I can do this, I lied to myself feebly.
Grrrgrgrgggrrhhh.
Okay, the reason Bella is making me write like a murloc is this: I understand being frightened and shy and thinking everyone will hate you and remembering all the times you messed up in the past. I understand that teenage girls are particularly prone to this sort of thing. I remember it. But at this point, I feel like Bella is a friend whose only topic of conversation is how horrible her life is and how she doesn't deserve any better and she can't do anything right, and she never talks about anything else, and I just want her to stop sabotaging herself but I know she's not going to, so I tune out. Then she gets all miffed because I didn't argue with her and tell her she is actually awesome.
WALK TO THE CLASSROOM BELLA. IT IS NOT THAT HARD. If she's depressed, as she seems to be, yeah I know, it is that hard. But living inside a depressed person's skull is not an enjoyable or particularly enlightening experience. I was there for years! I don't need to go back there for a vampire romance novel!
Next, Bella says:
No one was going to bite me.
And I laugh but oh Meyer why do you make it so hard for me to like your main character. Why couldn't you make her do something besides complain and snark.
Bella's first teacher of the day actually gawks at her. "People in Forks are yokels" count: 1. But hey, at least they're all really, really white. Seriously. "At least my skin wouldn't be a stand-out here." (15)
On page 16, we meet a new character, Eric. He's an "overly helpful chess-club type." Um, ew. Also, he has a class in building four and he's going to help her find building six. This sounds more like a community college campus than a school with three hundred and fifty-eight students.
Bella tells a joke about how white she is, and Eric doesn't laugh. Then Bella continues to endear herself to all and sundry by thinking, "it looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn't mix." Oh for -- is there anything in the world that you do not loathe and disdain, Bella? Besides your truck, which embarrasses you even though you supposedly like it?
On page 17, Bella goes to trigonometry class, which of course as a good little girl she loathes. She manages to trip over her own books in this class. "Bella is so dangerously clumsy that she is a danger to herself and others" count: 1.
She meets a friendly girl whose name she can't remember and doesn't bother to ask, whose hair is several inches tall. We have someone with a big afro, a bouffant, or a mohawk. Her hair is "wildly curly," so my first impulse is to think "afro." Something like this picture. And I start wishing the story was about her instead.
Friendly Girl takes Bella under her wing in the cafeteria and introduces Bella to all her friends. Bella doesn't bother to try to remember their names. She thinks:
They seemed impressed by her bravery in speaking to me.
I see two alternatives: Bella's monstrous ego will soon suffocate everyone in Forks, or her skin isn't "almost translucent," as she claims: it's actually translucent. Everyone can see all her organs and blood and everything. That's why the teacher gawked at her, too. Forks Yokel count: 2.
I'd start a "Bella is a stuck-up jerk" count, but I have a feeling that facet of the book is as pervasive as her self-loathing and constant embarrassment. Plus I'd have to backtrack. Maybe I will start a "Bella is kind to someone" count instead, if it ever crops up.
Hey, she remembers Eric-the-chess-nerd's name! No one else's, just Eric's. Maybe she will become good friends with him and join the chess club and have adventures and fall in love and have good sex with him for a few months, using many boxes of condoms and getting herself on birth control, and then go to college and live a full and rewarding life, smiling sadly sometimes as she remembers that self-absorbed, self-hating girl she used to be.
I'm sure the icky weirdos she sees for the first time on page 18 will be an obstacle of some kind for Bella to overcome. This group of people is sitting at their table, neither eating nor talking. And two of the boys look too old to be in high school. The third has "bronze-colored hair." They're all gorgeous.
The three girls are also gorgeous. One has a body "that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room." This kind of person obviously does not exist in real life, since every girl on the planet is not constantly comparing herself to one model of beauty that holds true for everyone, feeling herself come up short, and feeling bad because of it. So she must be a supernatural villain. She gives off some kind of Dementor-like rays that only work on other girls, and can only be defeated when the heroine realizes that her appearance does not define her.
These six people are "all exactly alike." Uh-oh. If there's one thing fantasy and science fiction have taught me, it's that a group of people who are all exactly alike are seriously bad mojo. Watch out, Bella! Don't let them assimilate you! Fend them off with the power of grumpiness!
For now, though, Bella is falling under their spell. She doesn't say it in so many words, but it's clear she wants to have a big orgy with these six people (who are all even whiter than her) in the lunchroom, and finds the "bronze-haired" boy and "perfect blond girl" the most attractive. No, Bella, don't let the Aryan Six seduce you! Turn toward the light, toward Friendly Girl and Chess Guy!
Bella thinks that models and dancers walk alike, though, so I don't hold out a lot of hope for her. Plus she asks some random Muggle who the Aryan Six are, so fascinated with the power of their pretty white mojo that she's willing to initiate conversation with this peon.
We get an info dump about the Aryan Six, who masquerade under the name "Cullen." Bella thinks their first names, including Edward and Alice, are weird. At least she finally remembers that Friendly Girl's name is Jessica.
The info dump proceeds, courtesy of Jessica. The six pretty white people are all adopted, and Meyer starts to assassinate Jessica's character.
"I think that Mrs. Cullen can't have any kids, though," she added, as though that lessened their kindness.
Hm. I wonder what the text's own attitude toward this will be.
On page 22, Jessica the Exposition Fairy tells us Edward doesn't date. She thinks it's because no girl in Forks is pretty enough for him. Bella and Edward keep shooting glances at each other and it's really boring.
After lunch, Bella goes to biology class and ends up seated next to Edward. Yep, the boy with the bronze hair with whom she just had quickie eye sex. What a twist!
