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Danse Macabre, Chapter 16: I have no idea why any of this
CN: Anita Blake book, pregnancy
The last chapter ended with a hint that Richard was going to kick the shit out of Nathaniel. I would have enjoyed that. Or Richard could have tried and been thwarted by the other people in the room. Something was going to happen, anyway. But of course we can't have that. All hints of plot and/or character development must be destroyed.
“I don't know what would have happened. Something bad, almost certainly, but help came” (137). SOMETHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. CAN'T HAVE THAT! Nor can we have Anita herself be the one to stop the bad thing.
Instead, Claudia pops in to yell at all the dudes about their macho posturing. Random! I guess she's heard every word that's been said. Claudia tells them they need to stuff it, this is about Anita and can't they tell how scared she is and blah blah blah. Poor poor Anita, who has no spine. Normally I'd be on Claudia's side here; a woman's worried about what's going on with her own body and these dudes are waving their dicks around about it, what the hell. But Anita STILL HAS YET TO PEE ON A STICK. And she refused to tell any of the men she's sleeping with – the one person she's told so far is Ronnie, who told Micah and Nathaniel. Richard found out through reading her mind because her shields were down for no given reason, so maybe she did “tell” him accidentally on purpose. So she could scream at him about it.
Also, the conversation does not turn to how Anita's feeling or what she is going to do. Instead, at Claudia's instigation, the men stand around talking about which one of them would be willing and able to give up his life to take care of the baby, as if this is a necessary thing. Anita has no say in this; she would just be the one spending nine months pregnant, going through all the terrible parts of that like barfing her guts out regularly (unless she is lucky), changing her body forever, going through labor, risking her health and life in order to bring this baby into the world. She just stands there while men talk about what to possibly do with HER baby, when they don't even know if she's pregnant yet.
Anita lives with a googleplex of people. There is simply no reason anyone would have to do anything other than slightly change their schedule on occasion to make sure this kid was cared for. Hasn't LKH ever heard of daycare, anyway? Having been in it as a kid myself, I can assure her that it is quite nice. Plus JC's richer than god, so they can hire nannies. This is stupid. I can't deal with it in a normal way, it is far too stupid.
Micah says he'll do whatever Anita wants or needs. Manipulative toad. Richard says, “stop being perfect.” I'm not making fun of that line, because I love it.
Nathaniel says he makes lots of money being a stripper, way more than Richard does as a teacher. Snothead. Richard says, “so you'd be a good provider?” scornfully. Nathaniel says Anita doesn't need that, she provides for herself. He says that he can work fewer hours and still make lots of cash, but Richard can't. I think LKH despises teachers.
Anita stands around drooling, I guess. I don't know. She has no opinion about any of this that she tells either the dudes having a pissing contest over her womb or the reader.
Then a vampire child pops up. Her name is Valentina. She's five hundred years old, but has a child's body. She's evil because she can't have sex. Because the only pleasure possible in life is sexual. So she has to cause people pain instead, because anyone who can't have sex is an evil sadist. (And all sadists are of course evil ones.) I am not exaggerating in the slightest; this is what the text claims. This little girl scares Anita so much that she's fine with Richard and then Micah moving closer to her for protection.
Men with supernatural powers which they regularly use to mind control and rape large numbers of people at once are fine. It's LITTLE GIRLS whom we should really fear. With their... girlness. Ew, icky girlness.
“He wasn't comfy with her either.” It doesn't matter which interchangeable dildo this is, I just wanted to point out the word “comfy”, as it is twee. It does not belong here. It grosses me out.
Valentina ensnares Sampson metaphysically and Samuel says if Sampson can't break free, he will be “less worthy”, as JC calls it. Might makes right. Anita says they don't run their group this way in St. Louis, to which I say HA and furthermore HA HA. Oh and JC says it's “a version of survival of the fittest”, which no it is not (141). I think LKH got her biology degree from a box of Cracker Jacks. There's some stuff about how European vampires are all old-fashioned, unlike American vampires, because I guess the only two countries in the world are “America” and “Europe”. Can you imagine a world in which Swedish and French and Russian culture are exactly the same, and all far more conservative than American culture? The idea that New York and Alabama have the same level of conservatism is ridiculous enough. Then there's the fact that these people are supposedly American citizens, but the government does nothing about this “might makes right” policy the Master of Cape Cod has. It's a mess.
Valentina doesn't go away, but it's back to the pissing contest over Anita's womb. There is a weird body language contest between Nathaniel and Richard which Nathaniel wins by being a bigger prick. Nathaniel accuses Richard of wanting to own Anita, and says why doesn't he just piss on her, but Nathaniel is being more aggressive than Richard here. Anita tells them both to stop it (finally), but Nathaniel – NATHANIEL, not Richard – continues it. Richard responds by metaphysically smacking Nathaniel; Anita says it hurts and Nathaniel says “yummy”.
Look. No. Masochism does not mean liking all pain no matter what, any more than liking dicks means liking having one stuck in you no matter what. I can buy Nathaniel is saying that solely to creep out Richard, but I don't think that's LKH's intention.
Richard calls Nathaniel a freak. Yep. Nathaniel says, “this freak is willing to do for the woman he loves and his baby what you won't do” (143). The text frames this as if Nathaniel is good and Richard is bad, which is complete and utter nonsense. It is not love; it is creepitude. That Richard does not want to quit his job and throw over everything for Anita does not make him bad, or show he loves Anita less. That Nathaniel is willing to throw over his life – or, rather, work fewer hours – does not make him good, or show he loves Anita more. Actually, they already covered this; Richard CANNOT work fewer hours, as his job is less flexible than Nathaniel's. (Though Richard gets summers off and Nathaniel doesn't, and Richard works reasonable hours, neither of which is brought up.) Strippers are not more capable of love than teachers, ffs.
Thank every god and little fish that Richard's not in the army. “You've been deployed to Afghanistan and refuse to go AWOL, that proves you don't love Anita and would be a horrible father!”
Anita has, of course, been standing there drooling throughout this. She has no feelings or thoughts about these two men fighting over her body. Finally, she thinks Nathaniel has, “like her”, gotten tired of “watching Richard say he was the dominant sweetie [KILL MAIM DESTROY] in my life, but acting like he was my fuck buddy.” What. I guess refusing to give up his entire life for Anita means Richard's just a “fuck buddy”. “Nothing wrong with a fuck buddy, but you can't be the love of someone's life and a fuck buddy.”
THE love of someone's life? The one exclusive one? Tell me again how polyamorous you are, Anita. Also, are you willing to give up your entire life for any of your penii? No? I guess you don't really love any of them, then.
Nathaniel finally takes Valentina out of the room. Anita is bothered that Nathaniel isn't bothered by Valentina. I don't know what to say about this. I guess Anita wants Nathaniel to dislike Valentina because Valentina's a sadist, but Nathaniel likes pain so isn't bothered. Idk.
The chapter ends with Claudia ordering someone, “make sure Bartolome isn't doing anything he shouldn't” (144). Who the fuck is Bartolome? Anita says neither she nor Claudia trust anyone who isn't a vampire with Valentina. Not that they don't trust Valentina with the non-vampires, but that they don't trust any of the non-vampires with Valentina. That means they are afraid of what any non-vampire would do to Valentina. That includes Nathaniel. Um... ick.
The last chapter ended with a hint that Richard was going to kick the shit out of Nathaniel. I would have enjoyed that. Or Richard could have tried and been thwarted by the other people in the room. Something was going to happen, anyway. But of course we can't have that. All hints of plot and/or character development must be destroyed.
“I don't know what would have happened. Something bad, almost certainly, but help came” (137). SOMETHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED. CAN'T HAVE THAT! Nor can we have Anita herself be the one to stop the bad thing.
Instead, Claudia pops in to yell at all the dudes about their macho posturing. Random! I guess she's heard every word that's been said. Claudia tells them they need to stuff it, this is about Anita and can't they tell how scared she is and blah blah blah. Poor poor Anita, who has no spine. Normally I'd be on Claudia's side here; a woman's worried about what's going on with her own body and these dudes are waving their dicks around about it, what the hell. But Anita STILL HAS YET TO PEE ON A STICK. And she refused to tell any of the men she's sleeping with – the one person she's told so far is Ronnie, who told Micah and Nathaniel. Richard found out through reading her mind because her shields were down for no given reason, so maybe she did “tell” him accidentally on purpose. So she could scream at him about it.
Also, the conversation does not turn to how Anita's feeling or what she is going to do. Instead, at Claudia's instigation, the men stand around talking about which one of them would be willing and able to give up his life to take care of the baby, as if this is a necessary thing. Anita has no say in this; she would just be the one spending nine months pregnant, going through all the terrible parts of that like barfing her guts out regularly (unless she is lucky), changing her body forever, going through labor, risking her health and life in order to bring this baby into the world. She just stands there while men talk about what to possibly do with HER baby, when they don't even know if she's pregnant yet.
Anita lives with a googleplex of people. There is simply no reason anyone would have to do anything other than slightly change their schedule on occasion to make sure this kid was cared for. Hasn't LKH ever heard of daycare, anyway? Having been in it as a kid myself, I can assure her that it is quite nice. Plus JC's richer than god, so they can hire nannies. This is stupid. I can't deal with it in a normal way, it is far too stupid.
Micah says he'll do whatever Anita wants or needs. Manipulative toad. Richard says, “stop being perfect.” I'm not making fun of that line, because I love it.
Nathaniel says he makes lots of money being a stripper, way more than Richard does as a teacher. Snothead. Richard says, “so you'd be a good provider?” scornfully. Nathaniel says Anita doesn't need that, she provides for herself. He says that he can work fewer hours and still make lots of cash, but Richard can't. I think LKH despises teachers.
Anita stands around drooling, I guess. I don't know. She has no opinion about any of this that she tells either the dudes having a pissing contest over her womb or the reader.
Then a vampire child pops up. Her name is Valentina. She's five hundred years old, but has a child's body. She's evil because she can't have sex. Because the only pleasure possible in life is sexual. So she has to cause people pain instead, because anyone who can't have sex is an evil sadist. (And all sadists are of course evil ones.) I am not exaggerating in the slightest; this is what the text claims. This little girl scares Anita so much that she's fine with Richard and then Micah moving closer to her for protection.
Men with supernatural powers which they regularly use to mind control and rape large numbers of people at once are fine. It's LITTLE GIRLS whom we should really fear. With their... girlness. Ew, icky girlness.
“He wasn't comfy with her either.” It doesn't matter which interchangeable dildo this is, I just wanted to point out the word “comfy”, as it is twee. It does not belong here. It grosses me out.
Valentina ensnares Sampson metaphysically and Samuel says if Sampson can't break free, he will be “less worthy”, as JC calls it. Might makes right. Anita says they don't run their group this way in St. Louis, to which I say HA and furthermore HA HA. Oh and JC says it's “a version of survival of the fittest”, which no it is not (141). I think LKH got her biology degree from a box of Cracker Jacks. There's some stuff about how European vampires are all old-fashioned, unlike American vampires, because I guess the only two countries in the world are “America” and “Europe”. Can you imagine a world in which Swedish and French and Russian culture are exactly the same, and all far more conservative than American culture? The idea that New York and Alabama have the same level of conservatism is ridiculous enough. Then there's the fact that these people are supposedly American citizens, but the government does nothing about this “might makes right” policy the Master of Cape Cod has. It's a mess.
Valentina doesn't go away, but it's back to the pissing contest over Anita's womb. There is a weird body language contest between Nathaniel and Richard which Nathaniel wins by being a bigger prick. Nathaniel accuses Richard of wanting to own Anita, and says why doesn't he just piss on her, but Nathaniel is being more aggressive than Richard here. Anita tells them both to stop it (finally), but Nathaniel – NATHANIEL, not Richard – continues it. Richard responds by metaphysically smacking Nathaniel; Anita says it hurts and Nathaniel says “yummy”.
Look. No. Masochism does not mean liking all pain no matter what, any more than liking dicks means liking having one stuck in you no matter what. I can buy Nathaniel is saying that solely to creep out Richard, but I don't think that's LKH's intention.
Richard calls Nathaniel a freak. Yep. Nathaniel says, “this freak is willing to do for the woman he loves and his baby what you won't do” (143). The text frames this as if Nathaniel is good and Richard is bad, which is complete and utter nonsense. It is not love; it is creepitude. That Richard does not want to quit his job and throw over everything for Anita does not make him bad, or show he loves Anita less. That Nathaniel is willing to throw over his life – or, rather, work fewer hours – does not make him good, or show he loves Anita more. Actually, they already covered this; Richard CANNOT work fewer hours, as his job is less flexible than Nathaniel's. (Though Richard gets summers off and Nathaniel doesn't, and Richard works reasonable hours, neither of which is brought up.) Strippers are not more capable of love than teachers, ffs.
Thank every god and little fish that Richard's not in the army. “You've been deployed to Afghanistan and refuse to go AWOL, that proves you don't love Anita and would be a horrible father!”
Anita has, of course, been standing there drooling throughout this. She has no feelings or thoughts about these two men fighting over her body. Finally, she thinks Nathaniel has, “like her”, gotten tired of “watching Richard say he was the dominant sweetie [KILL MAIM DESTROY] in my life, but acting like he was my fuck buddy.” What. I guess refusing to give up his entire life for Anita means Richard's just a “fuck buddy”. “Nothing wrong with a fuck buddy, but you can't be the love of someone's life and a fuck buddy.”
THE love of someone's life? The one exclusive one? Tell me again how polyamorous you are, Anita. Also, are you willing to give up your entire life for any of your penii? No? I guess you don't really love any of them, then.
Nathaniel finally takes Valentina out of the room. Anita is bothered that Nathaniel isn't bothered by Valentina. I don't know what to say about this. I guess Anita wants Nathaniel to dislike Valentina because Valentina's a sadist, but Nathaniel likes pain so isn't bothered. Idk.
The chapter ends with Claudia ordering someone, “make sure Bartolome isn't doing anything he shouldn't” (144). Who the fuck is Bartolome? Anita says neither she nor Claudia trust anyone who isn't a vampire with Valentina. Not that they don't trust Valentina with the non-vampires, but that they don't trust any of the non-vampires with Valentina. That means they are afraid of what any non-vampire would do to Valentina. That includes Nathaniel. Um... ick.