Shutdown, part I: WTF am I reading

[lliira]

CN: Anita Blake story, spite, jealousy, wtfery

I know, the title of this post is overused. But sometimes it is entirely appropriate. I think the only way to properly respond to this story may be with cat macros. Anyway, the reason I'm reading this plate of shit is that Richard says something in it that many critics of LKH, including myself, have often said about her portrayal of BDSM. And it's niggling at me; I really want to know first-hand what's going on here. 

The cover: two wineglasses and... is that a flogger? That's a flogger. On some sheets, I think. My first thought is, "I dearly hope she doesn't get drunk and then flog people and/or be flogged." Besides having Unfortunate Implications, the cover is overly busy, as shown by it taking a few seconds for me to identify the flogger. The sheets have a pattern, then the flogger with its tails and beaded handle adds more busy-ness, then there are the two wineglasses. 

LKH dedicates the story "to my husband, Jonathon" (maybe she has to remind herself she's married to him) and to multiple other people. It looks to me like her agent was not happy with this monstrosity.

The first thing that must be understood: the writing in this thing is atrocious. From the overall pacing to the structure of individual sentences, it's just plain terrible. I guess editors do more to LKH's bloviations than a lot of us thought. 

Anita's having dinner with a fiancé of one of her lovers. The story starts with Anita Blake comparing her appearance to this woman's, and finding herself superior in every regard. The woman is about her height; she has hair that's dark brown, unlike Anita's, which is black (LKH just dissed all us dark-brown haired women); Anita's eyes are a darker brown (suck it, women with medium or light brown eyes); she has a pale tan whereas Anita's skin is completely white and never tans (yes, really, she goes there); she has big boobs but not as big as Anita's (if you're a woman who can cross her arms over her chest, you are not as attractive as Anita); and she's "in shape, but not as fit as I." Not as fit as you what, Anita? 

Anita whines about having to talk with this woman. Here's her reason: "We'd learned a lot about each other, but unless we were looking to date, I didn't see the point" (2). YES REALLY. Anita does not see the point of getting to know anyone she does not plan to fuck. REALLY. We already kinda knew this, but I never thought LKH would put it in such stark terms. 

The woman is a college professor of biology. Anita thinks that Richard (whom she has only referred to as "he" so far) definitely has a type. And of course the implication is that Richard's type is Anita, and he keeps dating women who remind him of Anita because Anita is the only woman in the world any man can really want. Dr. Radborne also likes "outdoor stuff". Anita says she used to do that, but now doesn't have time for "hobbies". Oh please. Anita spends most of her time standing around yammering about how awesome she is and about how terrible other people are with various interchangeable penii. She doesn't even fuck half as much as she engages in spite. 

Anita thinks she would win when armwrestling Dr. Radborne. I think someone could say, "look, a long-haired big-dicked muscular woobie!" and Anita would be so distracted she'd lose to a 102-year old. Wait, Radborne? Isn't one of the supposed "haters" in an Anita Blake book named Raborn? *checks* Yep! I wonder if there is a real person with a name like this who dared to criticize the glorious Laurell K. Hamilton, or if she just thinks the name sounds evil. 

Dr. Radborne's "eyes were a little uncertain, and I was trying very hard not to make my eyes look empty." Well, I never expected Anita to admit there was basically nothing going on in her head, but it's nice she has this amount of self-knowledge anyway. No, of course that's not it, it's that women suck. She claims most women expect you to smile whereas men are okay with you not smiling. Hey, LKH, you ignorant misogynist: I can't remember a woman telling me "smile" ever, and I can remember men telling me to all the damn time. Including one male nurse telling me to in the hospital when I had a pain of 10/10 and was sobbing my guts out. FUCK YOU WITH A CACTUS. 

Micah's there. Because every lunch needs more than one rapist, amirite? Micah is Anita's height. He's wearing a silk t-shirt, and Anita/LKH thinks silk is kind of odd for a t-shirt. Because LKH's mind is about as flexible as wurtzite boron nitride. There is virtually nothing that Anita is not surprised by. And yet we are supposed to think that not only is she capable of doing her job, but that she's better at it than anyone else. Also, we're supposed to believe she's great at sex. 

After a huge paragraph describing Micah's looks, we get a huge paragraph describing... what Anita and Ellen (Dr. Radborne) are wearing. It looks like it's going to be a paragraph describing Richard, as it starts out that way, but then it abruptly switches gears to being a jealous snit about Ellen. Anita strokes herself for her clothes -- red lipstick, red shirt, black jeans, boots with flames on them. Ellen, otoh, is wearing "ordinary" jeans and "a shirt in a blue that complimented the jeans more than her skin tone, or at least, that was my opinion, which I kept to myself" (4).

Tungsten_monk described this story as toxic at lkh_lashouts. Yep. Also, there is no question in my mind that LKH is describing a real person here. 

Wait, this paragraph does go back to Richard's clothes. Anita thinks it's "unfortunate" that both he and Micah look great in their green shirts with their summer tans (4). Men tanning: good. Women tanning: bad. Got it. Also, I guess it's "unfortunate" because it makes Ellen look even worse by comparison, and women are not supposed to look worse than men ever? Oh and Richard's eyes are nice -- they're "milk chocolate brown", so I guess men are also allowed to have brown eyes that are not very dark and be attractive, unlike women -- but they are not as nice as Micah's annoying leopard eyes. Anita keeps comparing Richard, who is based on LKH's ex-husband, to Micah, who is based on LKH's current husband; and herself, based on LKH, of course, to Ellen, based on...? This is a portrait of a desperately jealous woman. It's sad that LKH can't see what she's revealing about herself here.

Anita describes her men as "yummy". The woman has a vore fetish. Micah has left his hair down to signal to Ellen that Anita is not going to steal Richard, because LKH thinks a man with long hair is automatically attractive to all women. Er, no. I personally prefer short hair on men, but besides that, I've known some guys with long hair whom I found seriously fugly. Jon, LKH's husband Jon, has long hair, and it's great that she finds her husband attractive. But I've seen pictures of him and to me he looks like just some guy who happens to have long hair. One would think that, by age 50+, LKH would realize every woman does not have the same taste in men. (If they even want men in the first place, but Ellen obviously does since she's engaged to one, so I'm not going to throw stones about that in this context.) 

Anita thinks couples grow their hair to the same length, and that having hair the same length means people look alike. I think LKH has a facial recognition problem, and so focuses on hair and clothes instead, and if she realized this and gave the same issue to Anita, that would be interesting. Instead all women are attracted to long hair on men because she is. 

Anita proceeds to be a complete brat. Ellen says this is more awkward than she thought it would be. Anita replies, "it's about as awkward as I thought it would be" (5). Micah squeezes Anita's hand to get her to try to play nice, and Anita says she tries harder. Why are we supposed to sympathize with this woman? She hated Ellen on sight for no good reason, and refuses to pretend otherwise. She's acting like a toddler. 

Then Anita claims that "Miss Manners doesn't cover this." Actually, she does. Maybe not precisely this exact situation, but Miss Manners aka Ms. Judith Martin the Awesome makes very clear that she expects adults to behave like adults, and that people have a duty to make each other feel socially comfortable, or at least not socially awkward, unless someone is so terrible as to be treated with coldness or shunned. Anita is that terrible, of course, but Ellen is going out of her way to try to be nice here to a woman whose unjustified hatred of her is obvious. I think Miss Manners would endorse Ellen leaving at this point, but Ellen grins and bears it because she wants to understand the life of the man she loves. 

When Ellen asks if Anita understands why she wanted them all to meet, Anita shrugs. What a baby. Richard "wasn't an ex-lover, but a current lover, so socially awkward didn't even begin to cover today's little event." The only reason it's awkward is YOU, Anita. And isn't this the kind of thing poly people need to navigate all the time? But Anita does not want to, and hates this. Because she does not want to be poly; she wants a harem and that's that. 

Anita thinks Ellen "had done that girl thing where you compare yourself to the ex", specifically that Ellen must think Anita's clothes are nicer than Ellen's (6). Lol what. That's how this entire story opened, with Anita comparing herself to Ellen, you hypocrite! Also, I somehow think men -- and WOMEN for that matter, stop calling us girls LKH -- are not immune to doing this. A small amount of it is perfectly understandable. Not stewing in it with bitterness. By the way, there's a throwaway sentence about how the coffee tastes bitter to Anita. Either she's about to turn into a giant salamander or that's her own bile coming through.

Richard asks what reassurance Ellen wants besides Anita and Micah being a couple. Ellen says "honestly?" and Anita says "that would be nice." As if Ellen has lied once in the time Anita has known her. Jesus Christ on a Segway! 

Speaking of which, I need to feel better. *watches White and Nerdy video* Ah, that's the stuff. Okay, where were we?

Ellen then calls Anita "fabulously beautiful" and says she doesn't like it and feels like an "ugly duckling" in comparison. Pfft. Yeah, a pasty woman who is shaped like a stick with beach balls stuck on her chest and volleyballs stuck in her butt and who has tiny t-rex arms. That's fabulously beautiful all right. Look, LKH, my husband finds large breasts attractive on women, and he thinks your beloved creation is hideous. Not because she's thin and muscular and has big breasts and a large butt, but because she is a Lovecraftian horror who cannot exist in this world, and also "there is such a thing as breasts that are too big". Anita's vile personality doesn't help either.

I hit preview and realized this post is already pretty long and I'm only six pages into this spitefest. So I'm going to break it up into multiple parts, though I plan to finish the whole thing today. It is just -- it is SO BAD. I knew that already from reading what other people said, but holy crap.