The dominant/submissive thing is pretty complicated and I'm feeling kind of muzzy-headed, but I shall send you a link to other stuff I've written elsewhere on it.
Well, there's been Anita dwelling on how much better she is than this other woman. Also Anita took a sip of coffee. Otherwise: all talking.
ETA: I am feeling less muzzy-headed, so here it is, as briefly as I can put it:
A BDSM relationship is like any other healthy sexual relationship; it is about the wants and needs of both/all partners. Many people say that the sub is the one with more power than the dom, and that argument is a valid one. Personally, however, I think the sub and dom have an equal amount of power -- and I think a lot of the "sub has all the power" arguments are based on the idea that giving up power says something bad about a person. But that's just my take on it, and though I disagree with the argument that the sub has all or most of the power, it is a cordial disagreement and not something I care to argue about much. And maybe in their relationships the sub does have most of the power, while in mine I see it as more equal, and maybe I'm wrong and have more power than I think I do vis a vis my husband. No big deal in any case.
Then there is 50 Shades and LKH and, generally, the popular portrayal of BDSM. In this dynamic, the dom has all the power and that's all there is to it. I have met (online) some people in relationships like this. This is when BDSM becomes the excuse and cover for thoroughgoing abuse. It is when the sub's needs are completely subsumed into the dom's desires. In the relationships like this I've seen, sex also seems to have become to pivot on which everything in life turns for the people involved. I have seen people lecture others that they aren't submissive enough when they care about their own needs at all; I've seen women be constantly unhappy because the men they're with (always men) refuse to do anything to make them happy. I've seen men actually say that if they did anything to make their subs happy, then the men wouldn't be properly dominating and the women wouldn't be properly submissive. (I have only seen this dynamic when the man is the "dom" and the woman is the "sub"; I'm sure it can happen among different gender configurations, but I have yet to see it.) And I have seen many people talk like "sub" is an abbreviation for "subhuman" rather than "submissive."
I wonder if the same thing happens in cultures which don't value aggressiveness, independence, and dominance, and devalue passivity, dependence, and submission as much as ours. But it happens pretty constantly in ours, unfortunately. The vast majority of people in BDSM relationships are very very careful about active consent and pleasing everyone involved. However, we're not the ones with the bestselling novels about sex; and the other kind can be pretty loud even in non-mainstream culture. Since I think language matters, I don't want to further horrible ideas even in the slightest by capitalizing "dominant", as I see it encouraging, in a small way, attitudes I find reprehensible. Even if not for these attitudes, I think I would find capitalizing "dominant" problematic, if only for my own life, because I am rather big on equality.
no subject
Well, there's been Anita dwelling on how much better she is than this other woman. Also Anita took a sip of coffee. Otherwise: all talking.
ETA: I am feeling less muzzy-headed, so here it is, as briefly as I can put it:
A BDSM relationship is like any other healthy sexual relationship; it is about the wants and needs of both/all partners. Many people say that the sub is the one with more power than the dom, and that argument is a valid one. Personally, however, I think the sub and dom have an equal amount of power -- and I think a lot of the "sub has all the power" arguments are based on the idea that giving up power says something bad about a person. But that's just my take on it, and though I disagree with the argument that the sub has all or most of the power, it is a cordial disagreement and not something I care to argue about much. And maybe in their relationships the sub does have most of the power, while in mine I see it as more equal, and maybe I'm wrong and have more power than I think I do vis a vis my husband. No big deal in any case.
Then there is 50 Shades and LKH and, generally, the popular portrayal of BDSM. In this dynamic, the dom has all the power and that's all there is to it. I have met (online) some people in relationships like this. This is when BDSM becomes the excuse and cover for thoroughgoing abuse. It is when the sub's needs are completely subsumed into the dom's desires. In the relationships like this I've seen, sex also seems to have become to pivot on which everything in life turns for the people involved. I have seen people lecture others that they aren't submissive enough when they care about their own needs at all; I've seen women be constantly unhappy because the men they're with (always men) refuse to do anything to make them happy. I've seen men actually say that if they did anything to make their subs happy, then the men wouldn't be properly dominating and the women wouldn't be properly submissive. (I have only seen this dynamic when the man is the "dom" and the woman is the "sub"; I'm sure it can happen among different gender configurations, but I have yet to see it.) And I have seen many people talk like "sub" is an abbreviation for "subhuman" rather than "submissive."
I wonder if the same thing happens in cultures which don't value aggressiveness, independence, and dominance, and devalue passivity, dependence, and submission as much as ours. But it happens pretty constantly in ours, unfortunately. The vast majority of people in BDSM relationships are very very careful about active consent and pleasing everyone involved. However, we're not the ones with the bestselling novels about sex; and the other kind can be pretty loud even in non-mainstream culture. Since I think language matters, I don't want to further horrible ideas even in the slightest by capitalizing "dominant", as I see it encouraging, in a small way, attitudes I find reprehensible. Even if not for these attitudes, I think I would find capitalizing "dominant" problematic, if only for my own life, because I am rather big on equality.